Re-reading my old posts and this is one of my favorites.
ORIGINALLY POSTED AUG 9, 2006
WARNING - the following anecdote may not be suitable for younger viewers.
So there I am, standing on the street in Santa Monica, minding my own business, when I see a scary crazy person coming at me from down the street. I know this person was scary, not because they were screaming and yelling profanities at no one in particular, but because years of working in Santa Monica have taught me how to tell the scary crazy people from the benign crazy people. Anyway, this guy was riding right up to the Vons parking lot exit, and as he approached, a van pulled out quickly and almost struck the cyclist.
"Hey! Fuck you, man! Why don't you watch where youre fucking going! Fucking pedestrians have the fucking right of way, asshole!"
Legally, I thought Crazy Man was on solid ground. Van Guy should have pulled out of the parking lot with more caution. But Van Guy wasn't done making mistakes
"Hey Asshole," shouted Van Guy as Crazy Man rode off, "why don't you watch where YOU'RE going!"
Big mistake. Crazy Man turned around in the middle of the street, stopping traffic and almost causing an accident.
"What'd you say!? What the FUCK did you say, motherfucker? I'll fucking drag you out of that fucking car and fucking TEACH you about how driving works!"
The string of profanities continued and Van Guy quickly rolled up his window as Crazy Man reached the side of the van. With the traffic stopped (thanks to Crazy Man), the van was able to pull out of the lot with a squeal and get onto Lincoln Avenue before Crazy Man could catch up and follow through with any of his threatened Drivers Ed.
"Thats right, dick! Fucking run off!"
Now Crazy Man was surveying the scene. He was all worked up and looking for somewhere to land with his anger. He saw me, standing on the corner and watching the whole exchange.
"What the fuck are you looking at?"
Now scary Crazy Man was focused on me, riding over to where I stood
Digression...
When David Milch talks about the language in Deadwood, one of the comparisons he makes is to gorillas in the wild. The string of profanities most of the characters in Deadwood spew is similar to a gorilla beating their chest in order to convince the other gorillas that they are strong and shouldn't be messed with. In a world as violent and dangerous as Deadwood, the first way a human being can express that they are as violent and dangerous as the environment is through language. Hence, when someone uses a lot of language that most, if not all, would find offensive, they are really trying to say that the normal laws of civil human interaction don't apply to them.
Crazy Man was undoubtedly doing the same. The life of a homeless man is tough, and it must require a great many defensive techniques in order to stave off all sorts of dangers I can't even imagine. I had to quickly communicate three things to this guy; 1) I pose no threat to him 2) I agree with his interpretation of events and 3) I am a gorilla that is not to be messed with.
"What the fuck are you looking at?" Crazy Man yells at me.
"I was looking at that fucking cunt who don't know shit about how to drive his piece of shit van."
"That's fucking RIGHT! That guy's a fucking CUNT!" He yelled as he rode off.
I used the worst, most offensive word I could think of and I put it in a sentence that had been consciously crafted to be grammatically incorrect. Not only did my strategy work in deflecting the ire and attention of Crazy Man, but part of me was also proud of the fact that I had influenced him a little. He hadn't used the word 'cunt' at all before, but once he heard how it sounded, he decided it was a more appropriate word for Van Guy then 'Asshole'.
I dont swear very often, but if I'm going to, I like to make it count.
PS. This was copied and pasted from my iPhone
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