Keeping Time Travel

I often fear that I'm going to be sent back in time, like a Connecticut Yankee in King Arthurs Court or Army of Darkness.  One of those scenarios where the knowledge and sophistication of being a modern man are both an asset and a threat.  However, I'm really only deeply versed in technology that someone else makes.  I can't make fire alone, I can't catch and harvest alone.  I couldn't weald a chainsaw or probably even whittle a decent spear (though I will try, the next time the opportunity presents itself).

So I'd have to rely on my wits, which might be OK.  After all, I think I'm a pretty witty guy.  But I'm also not much of a people person, so when the guards drag me before the feudal lord, I'm not 100% confident I could talk my way out of it.

But it might work out, right? As an oddity alone, I might have some lasting value to some powerful person.  I'm not a military strategist, but I've watched enough History Channel in my time to be of use in some situations.  There might be broad concepts in art or architecture I may be able to convey (space-time continuum be dammed).

But there's one concern that I have, and it's very very unlikely, even in this already unlikely scenario.  I have this weird fear that the only thing I'm going to be able to remember from the modern era is the guitar riffs to certain Classic Rock songs.  Specifically, Smoke On The Water.  Songs like In-A-Godda-Da-Vida, Sunshine of Your Love and Heartbreaker also make the short list.  These deep, heavy, stable riffs of yore trigger this thought.

So what happens to me is that when these songs come on the radio (and they come on a LOT), I have this wistful little reflexive moment in my mind where I sort of sigh to myself and say, 'God, I hope this isn't all I can come up with if I go back in time.'  And then a moment later I'm like, 'What the hell IS that?!?'

Where would something like that COME from and how could it possibly get stuck so DEEPLY in my mind?!?

(Repost) Scenes from an (Action) Marriage

This was originally posted on June 19th, 2006...

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I was sent an article this morning about a 3yr old who wished for, and received, a special theme for his birthday party.  He wanted a Newshour With Jim Lehrer themed party.  As the Newshour, its theme, and its reptilian-eyed host are known favorites of mine, several different sources forwarded the story to me.  It led to the following exchange betwixt my Wife and I

INT - OFFCIE - DAY

AARON GRAFF early 30s, ruggedly handsome, shockingly charming, sits with his feet up on the desk and his laptop on his, um, laptop.  He is Instant Messaging with his wife, Victorias Secret model and (still) undercover CIA agent, Barbara Danger Roscoe.  Sitting on Aarons desk, for expository reasons, is a printout of an article sent to the two of them by anonymous sources.  The article tells the story of a 3yr old boy who wanted to have his birthday party theme be a PBS news program.   Did I mention Aaron was shirtless and his washboard abs glistened?

Aaron says:

I think I know what kind of birthday party I want...

I want an All Things Considered party!

BarGraff says:

I'll call that woman and see if I can get the pattern for the hats!

BARBARA "DANGER" ROSCOE picks up the red phone on her desk the direct line to the president, whose connections in the cake decorating underworld are well documented.  Before she is connected, Aaron responds

Aaron says:

and I want Linda Wertheimer to jump out of a cake

BarGraff says:

Lol

Bob "Tattle-Tale" Novack skulks slowly behind Barbara to find out what shes laughing out loud about.  Barbara quickly reopens the Excel spreadsheet she was working on to maintain her cover as a Victoria's Secret model who works on spreadsheets.  After a tense moment, "Tattle-Tale" Novack moves on.  "Whew", thinks Barbara, without saying anything out loud, "that was close."

Aaron says:

and then I want her to ask probing questions

BarGraff says:

oh, so Carl Castle on our answering machine just isn't good enough anymore, huh?

Aaron says:

a man reaches a certain age where he needs a little more....

we can give away Nina Tote-n-bags

BarGraff says:

goddang you're funny.

LOL!!!

You know who I should have CC'd on that email and who should be in on this convo?

Martha.

MARTHA is the deep cover agent who can not be described legally, even in a fictitious document. 

Aaron says:

should i cut and paste this into my blog?

BarGraff says:

YES!!! GOOD IDEA!! Or you can just edit it to read like a play or a script.

Aaron says:

I'll think it'll be more 'meta' if people (especially Martha) read how we talked about posting it in  the post

and I'll touch it up a bit

AARON immediately goes to work, using the governments 40 billion dollar computer system which can Cut and Paste up to 40 trillion times a second.  Also, it can launch Nukes!

BarGraff says:

col. yes. we definitely want to aim for 'meta'

okay, but don't make me look stupid.

Aaron says:

If I were to make it like a play, I'd have to force in stage directions where they don't belong

Aaron stands up and knocks some papers off his desk.  He pounds his fist in angry frustration against the wall.  He is angry and frustrated. 

BarGraff says:

people already thing I'm purposely trying to kill your career.

Aaron says:

Are you making reference to my blog entry of June 13th, 2006, titled, "Cheese and Toast" - available online now!

BarGraff says:

uh, yeah.

And with the signal of "uh, yeah" both Barbara and Aaron spring into action simultaneously, even though they are thousands of miles apart.  Did I mention Barbara was in Lima, Peru and Aaron was on the International Space Station?  Barbara pulls out a garrotte wire from her golden wristwatch and strangles Novack, who had a gun.  Aaron, taking Kirk-like advantage of the Z-axis in combat, floats down silently behind an unsuspecting Space Hitler.

Aaron says:

Not this time, Space Hitler!   Not this time, ever again!

FADE OUT as La Marseillaisen begins to play